I Could Touch Him

I had a dream about my Dad last night. It was so very vivid! I dreamt that he came back to us...my mom walked into the room and said "Daddy's back!" and he came in with a gigantic grin on his face and his arms wide open for a HUGE hug. Neither of us let go for the longest time.

The only thing was, we all knew that he could only stay for a limited amount of time and the catch was that we would have to watch him get sick all over again. So I gave him a list with all of the things I wanted to do with him and for him for the time we had ... especially get married so that he could be there. Somehow I knew he wasn't going to be around long enough for me to have babies, but I wanted him to get to know S and walk me down the aisle when the time came.

I think the dream was sparked by my pediatric clinical rotation yesterday...the weekly art activity was focused on making gifts for Father's Day, a holiday I have been mentally avoiding since the first commercials started airing earlier this month.

I woke up in tears and S held me and let me cry. Every time I think about the dream, the tears well up all over again. I'm not sure where this latest surge of emotion is coming from, but I'm just gonna let it happen and ride the wave. There's no such thing as a timetable for grieving.

What's even stranger is that after my dream, I started looking for bereavement groups in the area, something I've been meaning to do since I moved here and have kept putting off. Not only did I find a group specifically for young adults, but I also found a potential part-time job at the same organization (we've been stressing about money because my financial aid package took a major hit this summer). An organization that has the same first name as my dad!! If that isn't someone watching over me...