The Suitcase of Hope

In honor of surpassing my 30-pounds lost milestone (go me!), I thought it was time to share about my suitcase of hope...

Over the past couple of years, as I steadily gained weight thanks to the combined forces of emotional eating, depression and a complete lack of physical activity, I began stashing away some of my favorite outfits that just didn't fit anymore. When I decided to move home to California, I donated some of these clothes, threw away the ones that were old/ripped and of no use to anyone, and packed the rest of them into a suitcase that I then stored in my mother's closet. I resolved that before I moved again, I would fit back into those clothes.

I don't think I'm quite there yet. But I'm thinking perhaps it's time I start taking out one item a week and hanging it in my closet. There's nothing like wanting to fit back into a super cute outfit for a little extra motivation!

The Year of the Doctor

Someday, when I'm all grown up and have a better sense of humor about life's trials and tribulations, I will look back on these moments with a fond smile and an amused shake of my head.

But for now, I am PISSED! I woke up this morning with a roaring headache - too much wine last night, perhaps? So I took a Motrin and got on with my day. By the time I was sitting at the movies with my friend, I couldn't stop coughing. By the time I got home, I was ready to be horizontal on the couch. My entire body ached and I was burning up. Why? Because apparently I have 102-degree fever!!!!

This is the second time in my young adult life I actually got the flu vaccine, and the second year in the same time span that I have had the flu this bad. Guess when I got sick the last time? The last time I got vaccinated! That mother took almost three weeks to get over. And thus far, this one is worse.

Not that I would use my bad luck to discourage the flu vaccine. As a future health care worker, I know how important it is and I know that statistically, I was bound to get sick at some point anyway.

But I'll be damned.

Precious Angel

My cousin and his amazing wife welcomed their second daughter Madison into the world last November. She had a lot of breathing problems from the beginning and was ultimately diagnosed with campomelic dysplasia, a rare genetic disorder that is usually fatal before age 1.

Madison had been home for a while before she was readmitted to the hospital about a week ago and was then moved to a beautiful pediatric hospice facility called George Mark Children's House. It's the kind of place I'd like to work at some day when I become a nurse.

Here is a video of her and her older sister Makayla right before she went back in the hospital...

After 2 1/2 months of cherishing every moment and pouring their hearts into their family, they said farewell to precious little Madison this morning. She passed away in her mother's arms, surrounded by her father and brave big sister.

As the second major tragedy to affect my father's side of the family in less than a year, this one hit everyone hard.

But the love and strength of my family take my breath away. We are truly blessed to have each other...

Creaky Knees

So I decided today that since I've been working so hard and seeing good results, I was ready for the infamous "Step and Sculpt with Nancy" class at the gym. My mom and sister, who are regulars, as well as Nancy herself, have all been encouraging me to come for the last couple weeks. So my boss and I decided we would try it together.

Well, it kicked my a**!!! I'm going to hurt in entirely new places tomorrow. She dumbed it down for us and I still missed a bunch of steps.

But boy am I addicted to the endorphin rush that follows a good workout! And I am sure as hell going back Thursday for the next class. The combination of fitness, coordination and balance is a fantastic challenge, especially considering that she also throws in a good 20 minutes of strength training and ab work at the end. What I loved is that when she could see we were getting tired, she exclaimed "Yes you can!" and it gave us that extra bit of motivation to finish a sequence or keep doing those impossible arm lifts.

Tomorrow morning Ari and I begin our twice-weekly morning walk routine. Gotta keep it up - spring is just around the corner. And nursing school soon after, which will take a lot of physical strength and endurance!

Coming soon: a blog about my "suitcase of hope".

Paradise Found

Photos from our adventures - actually, lazy days - on Lana'i...

Family moment to match one of our favorite pictures of Daddy...Shaka!

Hula performance in the Kailani Terrace.

Sunset view from our hotel room...

Beautiful Mommy

Headed home :( This plane was awfully small and it was awfully windy that day!

Hyfrydol

Something amazing happened this morning when I went back to church, as I had resolved to do.

After stopping by the cemetery to wish my father a good morning, I headed over to my aunt's Presbyterian church nearby. Our own neighborhood church, where I attended Vacation Bible School and "Preparing for Adolescence" classes, is a little (okay, a lot) on the conservative side and I have wanted for a long time to try something different. I certainly found it.

A progressive, "green" church in a beautiful new building, it is headed by a justice-minded minister whose sermon content reminded me of the pastor back at my beloved church during my college days. The music was gorgeous, the people were welcoming, and it just felt so good to be back.

But by far the most profound moment of the day was the processional hymn: "Love Divine, All Loves Excelling". In the Hyfrydol tune by Rowland H. Pritchard. The exact tune to which I walked down the aisle arm-in-arm with my father on my wedding day. Just as I did when we sang "Joy To the World" at Christmas Eve, I teared up and knew Dad was there.

Out of the hundreds of possible hymns to sing my first day back in church, the appointed song was perfect. The morning was perfect. Daddy would have loved it. I sure did.

Porque, Queso?

Well I may be against the concept of "blowing it" as far as healthy eating is concerned, but that doesn't mean I can't kick myself when I forget/overlook the fact that I no longer have a gallbladder.

Tonight we dined with my aunt and uncle at our favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant. The best margaritas in town! For some reason I was all over the free chips. Then my uncle ordered a big plate of extremely cheesy nachos with guacamole. Yum! I gobbled those puppies down like there was no tomorrow. As did everyone else. By the time our actual dinner came (which I smartly shared with my mom), we were all stuffed.

And then my body rebelled. "Teenyjo, how the hell can I digest this stuff without a gallbladder?" it scolded. We had to cut the festivities short because my stomach couldn't take it anymore.

The way I see it, my gallbladder removal was like an insurance policy against making unhealthy food decisions. And tonight, my premiums went up. But I'll drink some water and take a long walk in the morning, and all will be well.

Next time, just say no to nachos! Feeling this crappy is enough of a deterrent!!

Metabolic Miracle

So I knew I was going to gain weight in Hawaii - all those alcohol calories have to go somewhere (see below). But thanks to a commitment to exercise daily on my vacation, the scale only tipped a few extra pounds the day I came home.

And to my delight and surprise, as of this morning, I'm already back to where I started before Hawaii. This working out regularly and eating healthy thing has done wonders for my metabolism and I can just feel the energy!

One thing I learned last year...never let someone else dictate your happiness. Since I know I'm an emotional eater, I have to be hyper-aware of how I let situations and people affect me.

And if you're in a crappy mood, go for a walk instead of reaching for a cookie!

Kicking and Screaming

That was my state of mind as I packed and prepared to return home from my new favorite Hawaiian island: Lana'i! Goodbye tropical air, hello marine layer. Alas, real life is not wasting any time, as I have to be back at work tomorrow morning.

Our trip consisted of hikes, great snorkeling in Hulopo'e Bay, a visit to the fabulous spa for an afternoon, venturing to Lana'i "City" (Population: 3,000), lots of fantastic seafood (and the discovery of how many things taste amazing with truffle oil - YUM), and lots of sitting by the pool and soaking in the tropical breezes and bright sunlight. Just what the doctor ordered!

I had two goals for the vacation and I am proud to say I met both of them. The first was to exercise daily. I even did this morning before we checked out! My original thought was that I would love not to gain any weight while away, but I quickly realized how unrealistic that would be given the combination of regular restaurant food and gazillions of calories consumed via alcohol.

Which brings me to my next goal: from the time we checked in to the time we were homeward bound, I was determined not to have the same beverage more than once. Although the mantra "When in Hawai'i, drink mai tais" certainly makes sense, I thought it would make me more adventurous and bring me home with some new concoctions to try when I'm out with friends. I don't normally drink much, but it was certainly fun to have a taste of what turned out to be a DELICIOUS array...

• Ocean Blue
• Mango-Ginger Mojito
• Hulapo'e Punch
• Orange Passion Mimosa
• Lava Flow
• Chocolate Martini
• Mai Tai
• Pinot Grigio
• Whiskey Sour
• Extra dirty gin martini
• Pinot Noir
• Lemon Twist
• Pineapple Margarita
• Kona Cappucino Freeze
• Cosmopolitan
• Bikini Bellini
• Champagne
• Bloody Mary

DISCLAIMER: This trip was about a whole lot more than drinking. It was about healing. But sometimes healing is helped along with a little self-medication. Besides, as my father used to say, "WE'RE ON VACATION!!!"

Pictures to come, I promise...

Aloha!

And we're off, folks! I promise to post pictures when I get back from the beautiful island of Lana'i.

Have a safe and happy weekend and don't do anything I wouldn't do....

Say Wha'?

Not quite sure where this Hillary win in New Hampshire came from, but I'm determined not to let it get me down. There is a long way to go... :) And it was a super narrow margin so that's a good sign.

Not to mention that I only have one more day of work before I fly off to do the hula, swim with dolphins and sip mai tais on the beach. Nice!

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

All I have to do is get through the next three days! Then Thursday morning, the fam heads to the airport and jets off to HAWAII!! I have been awaiting this vacation eagerly since we booked our tickets last fall. We chose to stay on Lana'i because it's a small island with not a whole lot to do, which is exactly the point. This is an escape as well as an adventure; we haven't gotten out of town since Catalina in August and it's time...

My goals for the trip include visiting the gym at least once a day for a good solid workout, reading a lot, eating fresh fruit and seafood morning, noon and night, and finding all of the beverages the hotel serves with little umbrellas. And taking pictures, which I will make sure to post here (at least a few).

In the spirit of vacation indulgence, here's a little ditty from Fit for Life that I found appropriate. And timely - it used to be that if I was naughty and ate something bad for me, I gave up on being healthy for the next several weeks, if not months. But now I'm noticing a new philosophy emerge. For example, I stayed over at a friend's house Saturday night and she ordered a pizza at midnight because she had a craving. Did I eat some of the pizza? Yes. Did I hate myself afterward? No. I went home the next morning, took a long walk with my mom and aunt, and was back to my normal habits. I might have gained a pound with the "slip" but I'll lose it quickly and I don't feel like giving up this time. That's a huge victory in and of itself.

So without further ado, Victoria Moran:

The scenario is, "I ate a [cookie, potato chip, candy bar]. I blew it. So now I have to eat for three days and be really miserable." Remember: there is nothing to blow. You are not on a diet. You had a cookie. Fine. I hope it tasted good. ... The blowing it concept is a setup. It's a mind game overeaters play to give themselves permission to eat for a fix. If you blow it, you have to throw in the towel. Give up. Wallow in remorse. Then you have to face the daunting prospect of starting over: a new diet, another exercise regiment, another monumental undertaking.

My intent for this vacation is not to "blow it." But if I do reach for that dessert plate one night, life is not over. And it feels really good to know that.

In Closing

Thought I would send y'all off to bed with a bit of sage advice from Victoria Moran:

Commit yourself to living a quality life. Put all the energy, emphasis, and willpower you used to spend going on diets and hating your hips into increasing the quality of your life. Take advantage of all that is offered to you today ... Don't miss a chance to experience beauty or have an adventure. Fill yourself with wonder so you don't have to fill yourself with so much dinner. You deserve a quality life. Good food will be part of it, but not nearly the best part.

'Nuf said. :) Sweet dreams!

You Can't Stop the Beat

I watched Hairspray tonight with my mom, sister and BFF/life partner Cari. It was awesome - I was literally dancing in my seat. Great cast, great music, FANTASTIC choreography. Bravo, Adam Shankman!

And I kept coming back to the thought that Dad would have absolutely loved this movie. I could imagine him doing the twist in the middle of the TV room (and subsequently blocking everyone else's view), and then having the soundtrack stuck in his head for the next several weeks. He was a true lover of the performing arts.

This vision made me really happy, not only because it would have been a comical scene, but also because I was finally able to imagine my Dad healthy and well (and boogeying like he loved to do). Those moments are happening more and more often and are gradually supplanting the memories of his horror-filled final hours.

Not that I'll ever forget them. But it's comforting to think of Dad still shakin' his groove thing from up above.

OBAMA TAKES IOWA!

Next stop: New Hampshire.

It's a new day, America!

Say a Little Prayer

A friend of mine from Durham e-mailed yesterday - she had just heard the news about Dad and send a very thoughtful note that concluded with the words, "I am praying with you and may God continue to Bless you. Seek him, while he may be found."

I've thought a lot about faith, my own and others', over the past several months. Those readers who know me know my story...finally finding a church in college where I felt that it was okay to ask questions, attending divinity school on a challenge scholarship, realizing through this experience that my true vocation is nursing. And then the ultimate test: losing a parent in an untimely and painful manner. A parent I loved dearly. A parent with whom I was able to share my faith.

So you can imagine that since my father's death, my emotions have run the gamut from quiet acceptance to outright anger. I had stopped going to church regularly back in North Carolina and never really got back into it. On the other hand, I made sure that Dad's memorial included a hymn and saluted his own beliefs. And maybe, just maybe, my faith has unobstrusively helped me process my grief in a different way. When I visit Dad's gravesite, I can vividly imagine him in heaven, hanging out with loved ones who have gone before him.

There are certainly days when I question why this happened. But there's no good answer. I hate hearing that this is part of "God's plan" - that's not a belief I'll accept or subscribe to. But that doesn't mean I can't believe that God is with us here now, and is grieving with me and reassuring me that all is not lost.

At the Christmas Eve service, I came close to bursting into tears. Not because of the sermon, which I thought was a little strange, to be honest. But because for the first time, I could really feel my dad's presence. Church was always "our" place and it just so happened that this Christmas Eve, we sang "Joy to the World" (one of his favorite hymns - boy would he belt it out!) at the end. It's normally played at the beginning, and we would have missed it because we were late. But not this year. Funny how that happens...

So in the spirit of New Year's Resolutions, I think I'm going to give it another shot. I'll probably start with "church-hopping" just to see what's out there. My father and I had tried out a couple of local Methodist churches and I'll visit those in addition to others in the area. But even on Sundays where I feel that spiritual emptiness, perhaps being in a place of worship will help me feel closer to Dad.

Nighty-Nite

I went to town on Amazon.com after receiving oodles of gift cards from Santa (who must know how much I love to read), and decided to follow the advice of one of my favorite blogs, Kath Eats Real Food. And she's a fellow Davidson alum, ergo she must be a smart cookie. :)

Anyway, Kath recommended a book that is already changing my life in the short week I've begun reading it. It's called Fit from Within, by Victoria Moran, and it is made up of short chapters I can read right before bedtime. It is packed full of wisdom about the importance of changing your life rather than going on a diet.



Every diet plan I've tried has failed miserably because the minute I went off it, I got discouraged and turned back to food for comfort. And no fad diet teaches you how to actually survive in the real world, so that once you've lost the weight and have stopped the plan you can maintain. Instead, they set you up to either fail or depend on their special foods and "services" (often with a hefty price tag) to keep you going

No sir, any successful weight loss must be part of a larger effort at transforming your relationship with food and desiring to be healthy for life. So this book may actually be a saving grace because it is motivating me to keep up the good work for the benefit of my self, and not my bathroom scale. I'm already noticing tiny differences - New Year's festivities weren't consumed with fearing what kinds of hors d'ouevres were available. If I wanted a bit of cheese dip, I had a bit of cheese dip. That piece of chocolate nested in a See's candy box? It had no chance. But I only had one and I wasn't hanging around the food the whole night. In the past I might have sat directly in front of the food spread and reached for the goods every time I got a chance.

Between my gallbladder-less digestive system and Ms. Moran, I think I'm gonna do this right this time!

Bittersweet

As much as I was looking forward to New Year's Eve, when the clock struck midnight part of me wished that we could hold onto 2007. My fear is that with each New Year I'll lose a little bit of the sorrow. Not that I want to be sad always - grieving evolves with time - but the further we get from September 26th, 2007, the more my father becomes a memory and not a live person.

A family friend of ours described it well last night: you start needing to make appointments to grieve because you don't want to lose touch with the intense love exhibited in intense grief. So I'll just have to be more intentional as time goes by...

Nonetheless, there is much to look forward to in 2008 and I am glad that I have a guardian angel to help me face each new day with grace and peace. And it seems fitting today to honor my incredible Dad by leaving you with one of his favorite Bible verses (Psalm 118:24):

"This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!"