Say a Little Prayer

A friend of mine from Durham e-mailed yesterday - she had just heard the news about Dad and send a very thoughtful note that concluded with the words, "I am praying with you and may God continue to Bless you. Seek him, while he may be found."

I've thought a lot about faith, my own and others', over the past several months. Those readers who know me know my story...finally finding a church in college where I felt that it was okay to ask questions, attending divinity school on a challenge scholarship, realizing through this experience that my true vocation is nursing. And then the ultimate test: losing a parent in an untimely and painful manner. A parent I loved dearly. A parent with whom I was able to share my faith.

So you can imagine that since my father's death, my emotions have run the gamut from quiet acceptance to outright anger. I had stopped going to church regularly back in North Carolina and never really got back into it. On the other hand, I made sure that Dad's memorial included a hymn and saluted his own beliefs. And maybe, just maybe, my faith has unobstrusively helped me process my grief in a different way. When I visit Dad's gravesite, I can vividly imagine him in heaven, hanging out with loved ones who have gone before him.

There are certainly days when I question why this happened. But there's no good answer. I hate hearing that this is part of "God's plan" - that's not a belief I'll accept or subscribe to. But that doesn't mean I can't believe that God is with us here now, and is grieving with me and reassuring me that all is not lost.

At the Christmas Eve service, I came close to bursting into tears. Not because of the sermon, which I thought was a little strange, to be honest. But because for the first time, I could really feel my dad's presence. Church was always "our" place and it just so happened that this Christmas Eve, we sang "Joy to the World" (one of his favorite hymns - boy would he belt it out!) at the end. It's normally played at the beginning, and we would have missed it because we were late. But not this year. Funny how that happens...

So in the spirit of New Year's Resolutions, I think I'm going to give it another shot. I'll probably start with "church-hopping" just to see what's out there. My father and I had tried out a couple of local Methodist churches and I'll visit those in addition to others in the area. But even on Sundays where I feel that spiritual emptiness, perhaps being in a place of worship will help me feel closer to Dad.