Love Pouring In

It's amazing how much one person can touch the world. I've seen over the past few days just how true that is for my Dad. How many times have I been told what a great man he was! And he truly was...a great husband, father, doctor, coach, volunteer, friend, everything!

Our old high school posted a very nice bulletin about Dad's passing:

I have some very sad news to pass on to the Harbor High community.

Yesterday afternoon, D.H. passed away after a brave battle with lung cancer. D. is survived by his wife and 3 children who all attended Harbor High. Our thoughts and prayers are with the [family] at this difficult time.

In a community of supportive parents, D. stood out as one of the best. He possessed a love for this school that was second to none. His kindness, wisdom, integrity and unassuming manner were traits that many of us were blessed by. He gave his time selflessly to serve the staff and students of Harbor High for many years, contributing to several campus programs.

D. was one of the founders of the Navigators, which later branched into what is now our Foundation. He served as a mentor for the Da Vinci Academy and played key roles on several school committees. As an example of D.'s caring nature, after the untimely death of a Costa Mesa High School football player a few years ago, D. launched a head injury monitoring program for our athletes to help prevent a similar occurrence at Harbor High.

Most important to me personally, D. was a mentor and a friend. He offered me his support and counsel during difficult times and I could always rely on him for sage advice on a number of different issues. He consistently maintained a positive perspective on life and just being in his presence made me feel that everything was going to be okay. D. had that same effect on countless people and we were all blessed by his beautiful spirit.

Principal

Rest My Sweet Daddy

Hell on earth. That is how I would describe the first 10 hours of today. Dad woke up at 3 a.m. gasping for breath...he would finally relax only to convulse in panic when his breath caught in his throat the next time. The fluid in his lungs was beginning to overcome him and he was so scared to let go.

Thanks to our wonderful home health nurse, however, we found a good balance of pain and anti-anxiety meds to allow him some rest. For two hours he slept peacefully and we all breathed a little more easily. Before we knew it, he had quietly slipped away.

What a tragedy to lose such a man as my father - the "Daddy of the Universe". What an injustice for him to suffer the way he did. But he is finally at peace and we can be comforted that his final breaths were not in pain or fear. He has family that went before him to greet him in heaven - he was never alone on this side of the journey and he'll never be alone there either.

I love you Daddy, all the way from the garage door to the living room wall!

All my love,
Teeny

Keeping Watch

Daddy is still with us but has slipped into a coma. We have been keeping vigil since last night and have all been able to steal moments with him alone and together. I finally let it all out earlier tonight, which felt really good, but now I can't seem to make the tears stop. I've tried to be the knowledgeable big sister/"nurse in training" but finally I just let myself be the grieving daughter.

There are so many things I love about my Dad that I'm overwhelmed to list them all. But here are a few just to give y'all an idea of how blessed we have been to have this amazing man as our father:
-His love for spontaneously dancing, whether it's the swing or the twist
-His communication skills - he always knows what to say and when to just give a big "Daddy hug"
-The traditions he created and carried on from his own childhood - every year we have "birthday strings" scavenger hunts
-His strength as our "rock" in the midst of a lot of family trials over the past 30 years
-His utter devotion to Mom, his soul mate, to the point of being a romantic sap we all teased but secretly wished our spouses would be like someday

I could go on. A lot of people are referring to him in the past tense but I refuse to go there yet. He's still here...really he always will be....

Too Fast

Dad's CEA markers shot up from 74 to 123 in a week. Yesterday his home health nurse said we should all start preparing ourselves. Last night he was agitated and in a lot of pain, despite increasing the dose on his morphine drip and pushing the button as often as we were allowed. Then he fell down while walking to his bed and was in so much pain we couldn't move him - he and Mom slept on the floor and the Fire Department very kindly came this morning to move him back into bed.

They're now saying it will be a matter of days, if not hours. We are discontinuing his TPN after today, as well as the Tarceva and Avastin, and making a rapid transition to hospice.

This is happening way too fast. I alternate between feeling completely numb and completely out of control. Mostly I just can't fathom the thought of waking up without him here.

Why Obama?

A small but welcome distraction from the day-to-day trials and tribulations of this cancer journey has been my involvement with Barack Obama's presidential campaign. And now I have a victory of my own to share.

Last spring I became involved with an organization called "Barack the Youth Vote". Joe Vogel, BTYV's founder and director, decided to self-publish a book featuring 25 essays by youth and young adults about why Obama was their choice for President. I submitted an essay and was selected to be part of the book.

The Obama Movement is now available on Amazon.com. It will soon be available through other online retailers. Availability in stores depends on online sales, so if you are intrigued, this it the time to make that purchase. :)

Here is a description of the book from the editor's website:

Why Barack Obama?

This was the question posed to students and young professionals across the country in the wake of the senator’s historic announcement for president in Springfield, Illinois. The responses came pouring in from all corners of America.

The Obama Movement is a collection of these fascinating and diverse responses.

Not since the Kennedys in the 1960s has a politician so energized the youth of America. The key distinction is that today's generation is mobilizing through technology and online networking in ways unimaginable to previous campaigns. Hundreds of thousands of previously turned off young people have tuned into the vision of the former community organizer from South Chicago. Online groups have swelled into the hundreds of thousands, creative ads by supporters have dominated YouTube, and interest has translated into record-setting donations and massive turnouts in Iowa and New Hampshire, Nevada and Texas.

The Obama Movement contains the personal stories of young people in the trenches of one of the most exciting and historically significant elections in American history—and reveals why they are determined to make their voices count in 2008.

Sudden

A few weeks ago my Dad and I were sitting in the infusion center on a hydration visit and a woman was set up next to him for a platelet transfusion. We got to chatting and found out her name was Cheryl and she too had a team for the Relay for Life last May. She was one of the most friendly, positive people I've ever met. She and all three of her sisters had faced cancer...and two had succumbed, one to colon cancer at a young age and one to breast cancer that came back all over her body on her 5-year remission anniversary. Her other sister was in remission after battling breast cancer. And Cheryl had stage 4 melanoma in practically all of her major organs, though you would never have guessed how sick she was from her spunk. She was planning to get into a clinical trial and was coming up on the year anniversary of her diagnosis. She and Dad hit it off and decided that next year they would co-chair the Survivors' Committee at the Relay.

Then last weekend we found a "mobile notary" in the neighborhood to come sign my car title; we got to talking and discovered that this woman is Cheryl's best friend! We were so excited about the discovery, and the notary gave Dad Cheryl's phone number and said when he was feeling better, he and Cheryl could take walks together. What a gift to encounter this beautiful soul yet again, albeit indirectly.

But alas, cancer is a bastard of a disease. Dad and I opened the paper Thursday morning to find Cheryl's picture staring out at us from the obituary section. How it happened we'll never know. We know she'd just had surgery, so something may have gone awry. But this is the first one of Dad's "cancer peers" to appear in the obituaries since this journey started. And it shook us all up. Cheryl seemed a lot less sick than my dad, and yet he's still here and actually hanging in there quite well.

Cancer doesn't play favorites, nor does it conform to expectations. It is not part of God's plan. It does not "happen for a reason."

And it sure as hell isn't fair.

10 Days

On Day 11, Dad got his walking papers from the big house. Thank God - we were all getting a taste of cabin fever and WE weren't even stuck there the way he was.

This time, though, things are going to be different. Through some brilliant investigative work, my mom discovered a home health option that is a continuum of care, from palliative care to hospice and end-of-life issues (and gee, it only took three trips to the hospital for someone to step up and tell my mom what resources were available). So Dad can come home under the care of an RN, a social worker, a medical director who specializes in pain control and home health aides to help with hygiene. He can continue his second line of chemotherapy in a last ditch effort to beat this cancer and still be as comfortable as possible. He is hooked to a morphine pump that provides a basal rate of pain meds every hour, with the option of pushing a button for an extra fix every 15 minutes. His AMAZING nurse Pam helped us get access to TPN - total parenteral nutrition, which provides via IV the carbs, fat and protein he needs to function since his appetite has been nonexistent (down 50 pounds since he started this journey).

Not only does Dad come home under such great care, but I am getting a hands-on education in med administration, saline infusions and TPN set-up. Pam coached us in preparing his TPN bag and programming his pump so that we can do it ourselves each morning, and I am learning so much about home health care and loving every minute of it. Putting off nursing school for a year doesn't mean I can't continue my education.

When I think of this as a learning experience, it's much easier to cope. But than again, I know it's different because it's my Dad. No possibility of detachment as his health continues to slip. This is the hardest nursing assignment I will ever face.