Haunting Memories

Last year at this time I was posting cute pictures of dogs in Halloween costumes. This year I am dreading the obligatory Halloween festivities. This was one of Dad's favorite holidays. He and my brother spent hours building a haunted house in our garage and scaring the little darlings that trekked down the road. Our street was always closed to traffic because of so many children so it was like one big block party. My parents made fish stew and hot captains and all of our friends came over.

This year the friends are still coming. We're making fish stew (and my favorite chili recipe) and Dad's covenant group is building the haunted house for us. For the most part it will be just like last year. With one major and heartbreaking exception.

Happy Freaking Birthday

Today I am 27. And since I'm home I got a little dose of our traditional family strings/present scavenger hunt. Under normal circumstances I'd be bouncing off the walls on my birthday eve, unable to sleep and up at the crack of dawn. I LOVE birthdays, especially birthday strings! But this morning I must have pressed snooze five times before I dragged my ass out of bed and got dressed.

Mom and sister gave a valiant effort at making my birthday morning as enjoyable as possible under the circumstances. But I just didn't feel like celebrating. And still don't.

My friend Akin and I joked around about skipping our birthdays this year. I'm beginning to think perhaps that's not such a bad idea. Maybe for my 28th I'll be in a more celebratory mood.

My dad really made holidays and birthdays special. It just adds to my sadness to know that that extra dose of joy won't be there anymore...

Happy 57th Birthday Daddy!

You should be here. We can't make your famous guacamole without you!

Loving and missing you SO MUCH!

Hecticity

Is that even a word? Well I'm making it one ... if normal no longer applies, reality has still reared its ugly head with commitments every single night this week, except maybe Friday? I can't remember. It's also Fall Break, which entails me reading and taking notes on the five chapters I'm behind, and starting my term paper. Due November 1st. Exam is October 25th. University of Portland application due November 2nd. Sh*t.

And Tuesday is Daddy's birthday.

This could be my breakdown week...

Quiet

I used to welcome silence - there was always a certain peacefulness to sitting quietly and letting your mind be still. But lately I avoid it at all costs. If I'm in my room, music is playing. If I'm around others, I'm talking. I have a hard time staying home in the quiet. No longer is my mind still...it won't shut up. When the quiet comes, the grief comes and I'm afraid it will take over completely and I will shut down.

Perhaps I'm supposed to shut down. Perhaps I'm supposed to let the grief take over. How do I do this?

Big Puppy Dog

Dad's burial and memorial service were yesterday and he was there, no doubt about it. We had him cremated as requested and laid him to rest with his own father who passed away 10 years ago. A small graveside tribute with just family...it was beautiful.

Then we went on to the church for an incredibly moving memorial - over 500 people in attendance, all of whom had been touched by my father. Patients, friends, colleagues and family all brought together by this incredible man. His college friend eulogized him as a great big puppy dog full of love, and that pretty much sums up Dad to a tee. The three of us and mom all had a chance to say a few words and I was just so moved by the love in that sanctuary.

Aunt and uncle hosted a beautiful reception afterwards and everyone seemed to come. I had thought I would feel anti-social and stay away, but I actually ended up enjoying myself. We all swapped "Dougie stories" and looked at pictures and drank wine and ate good food, just as Dad would have wanted. We joked that were he there, he would have found the nearest couch and taken a nap, even in the middle of the party.

So today we start figuring out how to make life go on. This is going to be the hardest part. "Normal" no longer applies.

Crappy Day

Not 'cuz anything particularly bad happened ... just 'cuz it was crappy. Tomorrow is the burial, followed by a memorial service, then a reception at our aunt and uncle's house. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. It will be really nice to focus on my dad but really hard to go through hours and hours of well-wishes and hugs from people I barely know. Everyone means well I'm sure but it's so hard to be reminded by the look in people's eyes that all of the sudden my father is gone and they're so sorry.

'Don't mean to sound ungrateful, it just doesn't feel good.

Not to mention today is the 1-year anniversary of my beautiful friend Lisa's untimely death. This tragedy seemed to the first of a series of unfortunate events over the past year.

I'm done with unfortunate events. Will someone please inform God?