After a really emotional week where I almost reached my breaking point on several occasions, I was sitting at Panera studying this afternoon and one of my favorite songs came onto iTunes. I first heard it 15 years ago when my CTY partner-in-crime Stephanie sang it at a talent show. Then it appeared in the finale of the fantastic movie "A Thing Called Love". One of the verses goes something like this:
"There’s a full moon tonight
And I’m bathing in its light
Naked as the day that I was born
There is no shame beneath this sky
I have kissed the past goodbye
And mended up my broken heart so torn
With a sweet sound
Only I can make
And it gets stronger
With every breath I take
And it’s all a part of making me feel new
Makes me think maybe God’s a woman too
Makes me think maybe God’s a woman too."
I had been thinking about the past year and the hell it has been. But the simple fact is, it's not the last time I'm going to look back at a period of my life and think "Wow, that was awful." And I have a choice for how I deal with it.
So in a nutshell, I'm not looking at my birthday as an occasion for sadness. I'm looking at it as a New Year's Day and it's time to make a resolution. My father took care of this family and showed us how to take care of ourselves. So I need to do so. I'll allow myself days of sadness, I'll allow myself to wallow and of course I'll allow myself to cry. But the best way I know how to honor my Dad and the legacy he left is to be healthy. Rather than sink deeper into hopelessness, I can use my grieving more mindfully to consider how I live each day.
One step at a time. But soon I'll not only be as good as new, I'll be better.
Moved 3,000 miles across the country to take care of Dad during his battle with lung cancer. By his side until the day he died. Now trying to pick up the pieces.
About Me
- Teeny Jo
- Mommy to two awesome pooches. Living with the love of my life. In memory of "Dougie" my amazing father: 1950-2007.
My Hero
In those minutes or hours or days that we're able to carry the weight of this disease, that's when life happens. I know that, in the end, my burdens will become too heavy. But I don't see that as a failure. This isn't a contest or a race. We're not being judged against the actions of others. I think there's really only one thing I'm hoping for. When that time comes, I hope I can say, "I did my best." Then I'll know that I won my "fight," that I was able to bear my burdens. That's enough.-Leroy Sievers
1 comment:
I'm proud of you. And, by the by, almost four years on, I'm still grieving for my mom. It's no less fun, but less overwhelming when a rich wonderful life surrounds you. You're doing great. There's no right or wrong way to grieve.
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