Feels Familiar

When my father was first diagnosed, we did a lot of research as a family. We wanted to not only figure out what this beastly cancer was all about but also to find out how other people dealt with it. Each of us discovered our own resources that helped us cope individually and collectively with the cancer journey.

One of my tools was a blog by Leroy Sievers, which we heard about while watching a Discovery Channel special on cancer hosted by Ted Koppel. Leroy is a former international journalist who was diagnosed with metastatic cancer and told he had months to live ... 2 1/2 years ago. His profound writing and willingness to be vulnerable to millions of people helped me AND my dad at the beginning. When it became clear that unlike Leroy, Daddy would not be defying the odds, he stopped reading the blog. Perhaps the injustice of it all got to him, or perhaps he worried that reading a blog about beating cancer would give him unrealistic expectations about his own prognosis. But I kept reading, and have continued to do so, due to a subscribed thread that I never cancelled.

I am sad to say that Leroy's body seems to have met its match after a long and often painful journey. He underwent procedures I had never heard of before, and had some serious spinal surgery. He battled a nasty infection. He received so much radiation and chemo that neither treatment is an option anymore. And his first post of this week was a haunting reminder - in his words, the cancer has "exploded". New mets in his brain and liver, tumors in his lungs and several spots in his bones (spine, shoulder blade, ribs and a nasty one that fractured his pelvic bone). It doesn't look good.

As his blogs morph from a fighting to a reminiscing mentality, I am sad and scared because I know what's ahead for him. I watched it happen. But I am also thankful that his voice has been there for me (and for my father). I don't resent him for overcoming the odds and living longer than expected. I appreciate that someone out there is willing to be completely honest about this journey and has been able remind me of the power of empathy.

I will continue to read Leroy's posts as long as he writes. At some point it may become too painful for him, physically AND mentally. And I will really miss the blog and the man when the time comes. I wish him and his loved ones well. I hope he realizes what a mark he has made on the cancer community.

Thank you, Leroy. You have spoken for us all.